[26 Oct 2004|09:58pm] I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL. LEAVE ME ALONE. 3 ruined | ♥ I ruined everything for you ♥

[19 Aug 2004|02:40pm] NEW JOURNAL. add me if you'd like. it would mean a lot. :-) fauxloveaffair fauxloveaffair fauxloveaffair fauxloveaffair fauxloveaffair 2 ruined | ♥ I ruined everything for you ♥

[16 Jul 2004|06:25pm] PARTY AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT EVERYONE COME 7:30 BRING TOWEL AND BATHING SUIT. THANKS. 4 ruined | ♥ I ruined everything for you ♥

[06 Jul 2004|12:11pm] [ mood | broken ] Margie Berdan August 23 1955 - June 23 2004 Light a candle for my mother please. (<-- link) Life's not fair. So as many of you know, my mother passed away on June 23rd. She was diagnosed with 2 brain tumors and lung cancer about 2 weeks prior to her death. A few thursdays ago, after coming home from getting fitted for a helmet for the radiation my mother came home with a pounding head ache. my father said it was probably just nerves and told me to go out with melody. she mel and i went to the mall and i got candy for my mom and when we got home my parents werent home. my cousin nicole arrived and she called the hospital to see if they checked my mom in. sure enough they did but my dad said not to worry because they were going to take some blood tests and probably come home that night. i fell asleep on the couch with nicole and at around 12:30 my dad came in screaming that we had to go to the hospital right away. They didn't think she was going to make it. When i got to the hospital they had her in the emergency room. her blood pressure was insanely high and she was in a coma. i couldn't believe it. it was such a shock. she told me she was going to fight it and i really thought by the end of the summer that it would be gone. you have no idea how hard it is to see your mom laying in a bed, completely incoherent dieing. it was the most horrible moment of my life. my whole family came. like 15 people were in the ER with us. they brought her up to intensive care. then that saturday morning she started to squeeze our hand. we got really excited and thought maybe there was something they could do, maybe she'd come out of this. but the doctors said it was just the medicine working. soon she started to come to. she couldnt understand us and we could sort of make out what she was saying. she tried pulling out the IV and the oxygen. she probably thought the oxygen was a respirator and if there was one thing my mom didnt want was to be holding onto life by a respirator, she always said she'd rather go. i got her an i matching white gold rings (her favorite) with 2 hearts on it. she kept holding her hand up so she could see it. we told her we loved her and she said she loved us too and she kept asking about the cat. she soon started to get very restless and was unhappy with all the IV in her. she knew it was her time to go and she didn't want to prolong it anymore. on monday the doctors suggested we bring her onto the hospice floor. hospice is an organization that just gived emotional, physical, and spiritual help. they took off all of my moms IV and stop giving her medicine. they just wanted to keep her comfortable and not prolong the inevitable. we stayed the night in the hospice room. it was really nice there. they had a pull out bed for us and social workers to talk to us. melody, alissa, and jeff came to visit. it was good to see them. the next morning my cousin nicole and i had some things to do so we out and did them leaving my dad with my aunt colleen and my mom. when we were walking back in my uncle was in the lobby and told us we should get there right away. when i walked into the room my moms breathing had slowed down. long pauses between gasping breathes. it was so horrible. for 45 minutes we all held her hand and slowly she became worse. she took her last breathe and my dad screamed for the nurse. the nurse took her pulse and my mom moved her arm, then the nurse said she was sorry and that was it. it was over and my mother was dead. the most important person in my life was dead. the funeral was nice. so many people came. and i thank everyone that came. i'm starting to have a real tough time coping now. i miss her so much. and i dont understand why this had to happen. she was my best friend and we did everything together. i don't think any mother and daughter were as close as her and i were. i have my dad, he's great, and i love him, but i really miss my mother. it hurts so much. i still can't even believe it. i don't know what the hell i'm going to do with myself. but if there's one thing that i'm good at, it's putting on a smile and pretending that nothing's wrong. So as i said before, life's not fair. and this is just the beginning... Light a candle for my mother please. 16 ruined | ♥ I ruined everything for you ♥

I always thought something like this would never happen to us. [11 Jun 2004|05:20pm] A lot of people have been asking me what's happening and are concerned for my mother so, here's basically what's happening. Last Friday my mother was complaining of having a pain in her hand and she couldn't write. She didn't think anything of it really, but went to the doctors thinking maybe she had high blood pressure. As soon as our doctor heard this, they sent her to the hospital to take some routine tests. They soon found out that there was some inflamation on her brain. They took more tests, thinking that it was probably a mini stroke. But after the MRI's the found out that she had a tumor in the middle of her brain. They weren't sure if it was cancerous so, they took some more in depth tests. They found out that it was in fact cancer, and that she also had lung cancer on the top and a little on the bottom of her right lung. They couldn't take a biopsy of her brain because the tumor was in the middle of her brain and it was too dangerous. But they did take a biopsy of her lung, and when they did her lung collapsed. It sounds worst than it is, really, it happens to 1 in 4 people. So they had to put her on oxygen. Today she was doing better and the doctors started talking about what options they have. They can't do surgery in her brain because she'd die. They're probably going to do radiation. As far as the lung cancer is concerned, they're going to have to do kemo therapy. She's going to loose her hair, and anyone who knows my mom, knows she obssessed with her hair. hah. They;'re going to have to go to hakensack hospital everyday for however long it takes for the treatements because St. Joes in Wayne doesn't do any of that stuff. Some of the doctors look optimistic, which is good. My mom has had cancer before in her cervics, but it wasn't this serious. My mom's a fighter though, so I really do think she'll be okay. It's going to be a rough summer. My mom's going to be real sick from the kemo. Things are going to be different. I know I already am a bitch, but I'm going to be 100000x times worst. I guess I'll see who sticks with me and I'll find out who my real friends are. I'm going to appologize in advance if i withdraw myself away. I just like being alone when things like this happen. So, like I said, sorry in advanced for all the shit I may do/say/not do. Right now all I need is my family and support from people. Pray for my family and everything cause lord knows we don't have the slightest clue how to. Thanks. 30 ruined | ♥ I ruined everything for you ♥

to whom it may concern: [13 Sep 2003|10:17pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | boysnightoutallnightlong ] I'd give e v e r y t h i n g to know the r e a s o n s behind the wreckage I ruined e v e r y t h i n g for you -BNO 13 ruined | ♥ I ruined everything for you ♥

i <3 you [01 Jun 2003|04:23pm] FRIENDS ONLY. Comment and I'll add you. blueberd86 <---old journal (2+ years old) (I recently deleted this entry by accident and re-did it so most of the comments were deleted. Sorry bout that.) xoxo @$hl3y Ashley 39 ruined | ♥ I ruined everything for you ♥

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